When it’s not the bed..

It’s a given. Nothing beats the soft mattress, fluffy pillows and the fresh sheets when it comes to making love. But, when you can’t make it to the bedroom or there isn’t a bed available for immediate use or you simply prefer alternatives, there are those few ‘other’ places that’ll work just fine.

Here’s a list (drawn up by an anonymous female clan) that show where it’s still hot... without the fluffy pillows.

The Car 

“Oh yes! The car is very very hot. The titanic is proof for that. Windows rolled up, nothing but each other’s body heat to gloriously suffocate in. I’m unashamedly a back seat girl.” 

Garden 

“NOT in broad daylight. When it’s raining, on the grass, maybe little bit chilly. Really there’s something about the smell of wet grass, it has the shower effect. But in a more open air kind of way and yeah...the smell of wet grass.

Wall

“Flies aren’t the only ones who like walls you see. Being up against a wall, It’s so intense. Everyone should try it.”

Shower

“Yes I know it’s common. But really, my body is super sensitive when I’m having a shower (and he knows that). I think our shower area being a square cubicle with glass doors helps as well. See it’s convenient: we get cleaned AND we get our morning kick before our coffee."

Beach

“Ok besides the occasional sand in certain areas (place a small towel for help) this is my ultimate favourite. It’s perfect. Wet sand, the sound of the ocean, wind in my hair and the smell of the sea. Really you’re on a different planet.”

Chair

“I know most won’t agree but this is the hottest place so far. Really! I have never felt so in control. The proximity of our bodies, the position, It’s the true definition of 'ride'. And heels help for elevation.”

Floor

“Wooden. (Only floor surface I’ve tried). You can drag easily. Rolling around is fun, getting the sheets entangled all an excellent substitute when you just can’t make it upstairs.”

Pool 

“It’s the whole water effect I think. Floating around and etc... It needs a little more effort than usual. But you’re much lighter in the water. That’s the most useful part."

Getting naughty should never be limited to the bedroom. Everyone should experiment with unconventional areas once in a while or as often as possible. After all you live only once. 

P.S. Do NOT try anything on a flight of stairs! Unless of course for the next few days you want to walk like you just gave birth.
dailymirror.lk

What not to say

Effective communication and its many benefits are an ever common topic in all basic dating and relationships discussions. Most of us are adequately eloquent to maintain a conversation long enough and not offend our conversant, a skill that serves us well in all social situations.

For those of us who aren’t quite as skilled at making and holding a conversation, there’s a vast amount of content out there; however a commonly foregone problem is the issue of maintaining conversation pleasantries beyond the courting stage.

It’s no secret that we portray our best side when courting but following the point of attraction and initial stages in a relationship it’s common to see the niceties fade and the stressors of everyday life creeping into the romance. 

Aggressive and offensive conversation patterns are the beginning of full blown arguments and disheartenments further down the line. There are a few basic conversation bummers you can avoid to stay away from that rut.

Blame

Most people come to their partners for the sole purpose of having someone on their side. An important aspect that you need to realize is that most times when your partner is complaining about gaining weight she already knows that the chocolate pudding she ate the other night had something to do with it, but she doesn’t need to hear it from you.

Before you start stuttering your diplomatic lies about how the unconscious body in the front yard isn’t her fault, there’s an important distinction to make between comfort seeking behaviour and delusional attitudes.

While comforting her is important, it’s equally important to ensure that she realizes she has to take responsibility for her actions. An effective way to tackle this issue is to ensure that the situation is revocable instead of claiming it isn’t her fault.

For example if she complains about weight she’s gaining it might be a good idea to mention that she can hit the gym over the weekend instead of claiming that she’s not gaining weight due to any fault of hers and that the weather gods are to blame.

Passive

Remember relating a long drawn story about how everything seemed to be going wrong today only to hear a non committal murmur from your partner? Well truth is most of us do.

Interest in minute details of your partner’s life fades over time and we tend to tune out when hearing something that isn’t of much interest to us or something that we’ve heard before. It’s important that you commit to these conversations by understanding how important the topic is to your partner.

While it may be acceptable to tune out from her commentary of her favourite TV show it might not be a good idea to tune out when she talks about her dead aunt who she was very close to as a child. 

Ignorance

This is something most of us are guilty of, men in particular and women to a certain degree tend to focus on the principle mechanisms of a problem when we aren’t directly faced with it.

It’s easy for us to quickly make very harsh decisions on behalf of other people, completely ignoring their emotional turmoil when in reality we ourselves wouldn’t be so rash if faced with the same circumstances.

Most issues that people require counsel for have no easy solution and by providing a quick rash solution while ignoring the emotional elements, we are necessarily communicating our unwillingness to commit to helping them solve their problem.

By Dilshan Senaratne - dailymirror.lk

Sexual healing

The general logic to live by is, if it’s got a drink named after it, chances are it’s really good; and that logic couldn’t be truer as in the case of sex. There’s hardly an argument against sex, there really hasn’t been since the puritans and by the looks of it there won’t be any such argument cropping up in the near future.

But out of the obvious, there’s a lot more to sex than you would’ve thought. Turns out, what goes on under the sheets actually helps to alleviate your quality of life beyond what you might have initially imagined. 

 

 

Cardio

Even though sex doesn’t inch out jogging or hitting the gym, regular sexual activity burns a substantial amount of fat capable of burning a few of those troublesome pounds. In numbers, 30 minutes of sexual activity is linked with 85 calories. Not that there are promises of getting a six pack but surely wouldn’t you rather have sex than hit the treadmill? 

 

 

Blood Circulation And Stress Management

 

Findings from a Scottish study of 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity revealed that sexual intercourse improved blood circulation, essentially assisting individuals to manage stress better. The researchers put them in stressful situations, such as speaking in public and doing math out loud, and checked their blood pressure.

 

People who had had intercourse responded better to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained from it altogether. Another study published in the same journal revealed that the bottom line of blood pressure (diastolic blood pressure) was significantly lower in individuals who lived together and engaged in sex when compared to others. 

 

Immunity

 

Let’s get a little technical here, studies revealed that sexual activity and immunoglobulin A or IgA showed a correlation. IgA is an antibody that assists in the process of safeguarding us from infections like the common cold. The findings were revealed in a study carried out in Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa with the participation of 112 subjects.

 

 

Improved Heart Health

 

Contrary to popular notion that sex increases the chances of men having a stroke, a study revealed that there was no correlation between sex and likelihood of having a stroke. Instead a 20 year-long British study revealed that men who had sex twice or more times a week were half as likely to have a fatal heart attack. 

 

 

Self Esteem

 

Improving self esteem was one of 237 reasons why people have sex as archived and published by the University of Texas in their journal “The Archives of Sexual Behaviour”. Self esteem is a fairly obvious benefit of having sex considering that most people who get lucky in the sack are also very confident outside of the bedroom. 

 

Stronger Relationships

 

Having regular physical contact and orgasms elevate the levels of the hormone termed Oxytocin which is popularly dubbed as the “love hormone”.

 

Elevated levels of Oxytocin are observed following intimate physical contact and are shown to have an improvement of generosity; needless to say the generosity assists greatly in improving trust and bonds in a relationship. 

 

Pain Killer

 

As very obscenely displayed in the movie “The girl with the dragon tattoo” sexual intercourse improves Oxytocin levels and Endorphins which allow for pain thresholds to be cut in as much as half.

 

Even though deep bleeding gashes are probably not the best things to experiment with, headaches and other minor painful symptoms such as stomach cramps may be greatly alleviated following sexual intercourse. 

 

Anti Prostate Cancer

 

Men who ejaculate 21 times a month or more have been shown to have lesser chance of developing prostate cancer when compared to men who ejaculate 4 to 7 times a month. Even though the study wasn’t conclusive in identifying ejaculation to be the sole determinant of the reduced risk, why not try it right? 

 

 

By Dilshan Senaratne - dailymirror.lk

Reasons for those sleepless nights

Sleep is one of the most rewarding experiences for most adults who go through their day looking forward to the bliss of hitting their pillows. Imagine having to go through a busy day, hitting the sack and being unable to drift off to dreamland. Inability to sleep plagues many individuals of varying ages.

 

Let me start off by saying Insomnia is a clinical condition which requires professional medical intervention, this article only tries to alleviate sleeping problems not cure sleep disorders. A few fixes to your lifestyle may be the answer to getting that valuable shut eye time you crave. 

 

Caffeine isn’t a quick fix

Wonderful as caffeine is to keep you awake through those long drawn boring meetings; it can also last a very long time following its initial consumption time. The standard time span of caffeine is approximately 5 hours.

 

After the first wave of the reaction is distributed to all cellular structures of your body, the internal workings of your system gets rid of half the stuff in five hours, three quarters in ten hours and seven eighths in fifteen hours.

 

The easy conclusion to draw is that the caffeine in your morning cup of coffee is still running around in your system when you’re ready to get some sleep. Most of us rid our systems of caffeine much slower which means over time the caffeine in your system plays a large accumulated role of keeping you awake all through the day. 

 

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Counting hours

This is a common reason for inability to fall asleep, remember that time you had something important to do in the morning and you got to bed a little later than you would’ve liked?

 

Also remember how you counted the hours of sleep you could squeeze in before you had to wake up and prepare for your big day? Thinking about sleep is one of the worst ways to fall asleep.

 

The condition is known as psychophysiological insomnia and is one of the most common forms of insomnia to affect working professionals who have meetings and work appointments to look forward to (or dread) in the morning. 

 

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Boozing yourself to sleep

Alcohol is considered as a pro-sleep intoxicant by many, some even going the extent of using alcohol as their sleeping pill. The problem with this very well laid out plan is that alcohol causes the brain to rouse itself 15 to 20 times more than normal.

 

Most people wouldn’t notice these awakenings mainly because you need to be awake for 6 to 8 minutes to remember it as a waking experience. A random fact that also needs to be considered is that alcohol exerts twice to thrice the usual impact it has on the brain past 12 midnight when compared with 6 pm. 

 

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Smoking 

Tobacco also causes a great deal of insomnia due to the nicotine craving it creates in regular smokers. The brain rouses itself 20 times more in smokers than in an average person due to the nicotine withdrawal symptoms.

 

By Dilshan Senaratne - life.dailymirror

The talkative Wife

Anoma did not know she was so talkative. She was a non-stop yarn spinner. But her husband knew it. He was at times repelled by this habit of hers. But he did not want to indicate the fact that he knew it.

Can’t you be silent? Can’t you be moderate in your talk? It was the uppermost question he wanted to ask Anoma. But he feared the consequences for some unknown reason.

How can I indicate my feelings, he wondered. If I am to reveal openly what I feel, she would get angry. So he kept silent. Honestly some things she said were interesting. Only thing was that she would repeat the same story over and over again in many ways.

“Why don’t you write what you talk?” He once asked.

He tried to recollect the most recent event. He had to accompany Anoma to a gathering of friends.

Please don’t talk too much, he wanted to advise Anoma. But he could not get himself to do so. Then it came to a moment when Anoma opened one of her favourite episodes from the past to those seated around her.

“You know that place where I used to work before marriage... My god such a fantastic place...” she initiated the talk. The others were all ears around her. Anoma’s husband felt a little shy. But he was listening too.

“There was an interview... I went to the interview with all smiles. You know that was the best qualification I had from birth.”

They all laughed.

“True, a smile itself is a good qualification,’ a young man stressed her opinion.

“Exactly,” Anoma adder her bit.

“But aren’t you a graduate?” a response from a young lady.

“Yes, yes I am... Wait will you till I’m done with my story,” Anoma was itching to finish off her story.

“So they asked me so many questions. I was lucky I could answer them all like a piece of cake. So finally they declared they picked me for the job.”

“So what was your position?” the gathering burst into a laugh for some reason.

“I was the boss’ private secretary. It was a very high up business firm.”

As the laughter rose again, Anoma’s husband felt shy a little more this time. Why can’t she just keep herself quiet, he silently wondered.

“Know what happened next? Some girls developed a jealousy for me. They hated my smile. My boss once asked me a question openly. Do you know why we chose you? I said no.

Then he said: it’s your smile, we love it so much. You will never imagine how happy I was to hear that remark. He said I would have been posted in the reception.”

Anoma’s husband felt it’s getting too much. Shut up, he felt like commanding, they are well off without your nonsense. But he felt feeble to put anything to action. Instead, he tried to diver the subject. Someone emerged from nowhere and asked him to join for a drink.

But he was reluctant to have a drink. He was scared it would cause another problem. Anyway he left Anoma with her friends, but full of worries in his head.

“Here, I’ve got another interesting story for you guys,” Anoma was getting into another conversation, as her husband was leaving.

“Oh my god,” said Anoma, “they were the women! They started gossiping about the boss and I. At first I didn’t take it seriously. But later it was getting out of hand. They were completely jealous about me. My boss knew this and one day he told me: ‘Anoma, they are jealous about you. They don’t like me talking good about you.’”

Anoma’s husband could not put up with this talk any more. Now she would start another, he was concerned.

“I’ll fill my glass and come back,” saying so, he joined the male company. The males were also, Anoma’s husband noted to his own dismay, drinking, cracking jokes and nothing else. There was so much noise, so aloud like empty vessels. He found the situation ill at ease.

“I am neither here nor there,” he thought.

“I must go home and rest,” he thought. Coming back to Anoma, he found her munch another tale.

The dinner was served, luckily.

Anoma’s husband felt relieved so he could leave the place soon.

“Anoma, it’s time to go home,” he said.

“Are you in a hurry? We are enjoying your wife’s tales,” one lady quipped.

“Why, has she not finished yet?” He asked, noting his own tone irritating.

“Oh no,” said another lady.

On the return, Anoma felt a certain sense of aloofness in her husband. He was silent for the most part.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

“Let’s go home, I’ll tell you.”

She repeated the question.

“Nothing, I’m bored.”

“Why?”

“You must not have come out with those harangues.”

Anoma’s husband then focused his eyes on the road. There was no talk throughout the journey.

 By Daily News

Sex Mistakes Men Make

Sex is the primary mode of reproduction for most of all organisms in this universe, humans included. As is the case with many functions, reproduction also undergoes great complications when put through the human condition. Our superior intellect ensures that we complicate the otherwise primal need for procreation.

Among its many complications is the conscious choice made towards engaging in the act of procreation, where animals engage in intercourse under instinctual conditions, we engage in sex on a conscious level driven by emotional requirements as complex as our physical ones. Not only are we the only species with a conscious consent to engage in sex we are also one of the very few species who engage in the act for the added motive of deriving pleasure from it. 

As far as complexity goes female sexuality is the mark to beat. It’s been loosely assumed that men on average think about sex somewhere between 19 and 8000 times a day (not based on any solid research), the point being that men seem to engage in sex more or less on an instinctual level, a claim supported by the primary male hormone testosterone existing abundantly in male systems.

Females on the other hand find it a little more demanding to get in the zone and attaches strong emotional factors to their sexuality. However both genders will easily agree that sex is mankind’s worst kept best secret. A few tweaks in the male approach to sex can make the ride a joyful one for both partners, here’s a list of mainstay mistakes that men make in bed and how to fix them.

One size fits all

Men often assume that the way they've learned to please one woman works for all women, a major mistake when it comes to sex. Fundamentally all humans are driven towards similar things but when it comes to how each individual gratifies his longings, it’s a complicated mess out there.

Take two examples; one being the variety of adult entertainment genres that are widely existent across the internet, and the second example is how a range of different jobs exist even within a niche market.

The first example is pretty straightforward, everyone has a preference, from Hentai to Bondage, and every genre has its own target audience, a fact that was clearly demonstrated by the recent bestselling book “50 shades of grey”.

The second example is a little different but clearly depicts the point, even if preferences are the same, no two people are wired the same way, an artist can’t be a doctor nor vice versa. From technique to position to time frames, your knowledge of one partner doesn’t guarantee your expertise in the act.

 

Holding your tongue

Talking about sex isn’t a favoured pastime for a majority of couples, the often intrusive behaviour is seen as discomforting and highly stressful. The pitfall of not communicating your likes and dislikes however is in being stuck in a rut only because your partner doesn’t know any better.

Sex is mostly a guessing game and with extensive experience comes a better guess. Let’s face it no one gets to the Casanova like experience by guessing around the motions, and why suffer in the bedroom when all you have to do is voice it out. Everyone has their own kinks and turnoffs, a fact that needs be acknowledged and conveyed. 

 

Timing is everything

As great as it looks in the movies, not many people will appreciate a sweeping gesture across their work desks, nudging their brand new laptop to the ground. As disappointing as it is life really isn’t Hollywood and there are no perfectly thought out sets to accommodate your spontaneity.

If your sex life is a little too routine, plan a surprise dinner or a special out of town date, the end of a long workday isn’t really the most tempting occasion to be taken off your feet on the kitchen table. Timing really is everything.

The get it done attitude

Many men are guilty of this sex blunder, sex isn’t a step by step work mission and routine is never a good thing. Take your time and be spontaneous, don’t plan out the entire routine in your head before you get into bed.

 

Comparing is despairing

Sex lives vary greatly from individual to individual, not everyone has the same sex drive nor the circumstances to engage in sex as much as the next couple. Trying to compare and match up to your peers in an attempt to be sure that your sex life is as good as theirs is just a silly way to get around it; not to mention that people greatly exaggerate their success in bed. 

By Dilshan Senaratne - dailymirror.lk

What’s That Face? Emoticon Meanings

Emoticons are a big hit among those who are regular users of e-mails, chats, text messages, message boards and other means of communication. But how many of you have been constantly wrecking your brains to figure out that face your friend sent via instant messaging? 

 

There are numerous emoticon meanings and most of them, I am sure you are still unaware of. The most commonly used emoticons are for expressing smiling face and frowning expression. Emoticons, true to their names, make way for a simple and easy medium to convey emotions which otherwise, would be difficult to portray in black and white. 

 

Being aware of the different emoticon meanings is also essential when you are into using such characters in text messages, emails, chats, etc. For example, the meaning of emoticons such as :$ is used to express confusion or sadness, however, this is a less known and less used emoticon. To add to this, emoticons are best when used in an informal or lackadaisical environment. Now, you can, in no way, apologize to your boss saying "I am sorry", followed by a sad or a frowning face. And if you actually happen to do that, you yourself may turn out to be a frowning emoticon at the end of the day :(. 

 

Text Emoticon Meanings Explained

Here you go; this might come in handy for you;

 

 

Emoticon	Meanings	Illustration
:-), :-], :]	Smile	"Wow!"
:-(, :(, :-[, :[, :-<	Sad, displeasure	"Man, that was horrible!"
:-D, :D	Laughter	"What? The monkey bit your..."
:-o	Surprise	"What? You passed the test!"
:-@	Angry	"Why you little..."
:-\ , :-/	Confused	"Now what did I do?"
:-|	Indifferent	"You got a new house! So...?"
:-}	Sarcastic	"My my, you are the God of poor jokes!"
:-p	Sticking the tongue out	"Pssrrrhhhhh...."
;-), ;-}, ;-p	Wink	"Surprise surprise!"
B-)	Wearing shades	"Man you are some bright lady!"
X-P	Knocked out unconscious or dead	"You killed me!"
X-D	Died laughing	"The donkey kicked your...."
:-*, :*)	Kiss	"This is for my cup cakes..."
o:-)	Innocence	"But I only stole a dollar!"
:-x	Annoyed	"Oh you again!"
:O)	Clown	"Let's party!"
:-~)	Ailing from cold	"Sniff sniff!"
:`(	Weeping	"My cow died..."
:-7	Smirk	"Yeah I am happy, you good for nothing fellow..."
*<|:o)	Santa Clause	"Ho Ho Ho.... Merry Christmas!"
:-9	Salivating	"Slurp slurp..."
*-*	Dazed	"My angel, you make me fly..."
:*)	Drunk	"This is your captain speaking!"
{ }	Hug	"Come here you cuddly duddly.."
:-)(-:	Married	"Yeah, just got transferred to hell ;-)"
<:3 )~	Mouse	"Squeak squeak"
O-\-<]:	Skateboarder	"Come, ride with me"
(:|	Tired	"Sigh, sleeping is so tiring!"
:-E	Vampire	"Grrrr, I am a vampire, grrr!"
|-O	Yawn	"It is so boring lying here in this lovely island with all these gorgeous ladies ;-)"
('')-.-('')	Bear	"Here's a gift for you!"
:-">	Blushing	"Gee, thanks!"
(-_-)	Boring	"Oh, ha ha! good joke!"
:=)	Orangutan	"You look like one..."
+<:-)	Pope	"Bless you my child!"
x_x	Dead	"Goodbye cruel world!"
O?O	What?	"What, you are a gay?"
x_O O_x	Punched in the face	"Take this, you canhead!"
:-)<>>>>>	Smiling with a tie	"Have an interview today!"
.)	Watching you	"I know what you did last summer!"
(_8-(|)	Homer Simpson	"Don't eat me, I have a family, eat them!"
:**	Returning kiss	"Here take your kiss back!"
:-&	Tongue tied	"Blah blah blah!.."
=====:}	Snake	"Hiss, I will kiss you!"
Q:-)	College graduate	"I want a job!"
[:-|	Frankenstein	"You.. Me.. Go .. Dating... Have ..Fun...zzzzzz"
|-|	Asleep	"Zzzzz"
~:\	Elvis	"Ain't That Lovin' You, Baby!"
$__$	Sees money	"Am I money minded?"
8)~~*	Frog catching a fly	"Hmmm.. tastes like chicken!"

In this table, or if I may say, emoticon dictionary, as you can see, there are all common kind of expressions you may think of. Also, you can slightly change the smiley face emoticon meanings, by using a semi colon instead of a colon. While, : represents the eyes, ; stands for a wink. I think it will take a while for you to learn and remember all these sym  bols and meanings. So, whenever you are confused about any of these meanings, :-\, drop in and leave with a smile :). Cheers!

dailymirror.lk

(Compiled by Jessica Lord)

Where are your manners, please?

Last week one of my readers brought up the subject of manners and is it good manners for a child to interrupt an adult as they talk. Rather than respond with an answer, I thought it was definitely a much required topic to look into. Manners can be cultural, manners depend on modern societies norms and expectations, they can be outdated.

For example my grandmother’s staunch motto of ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ is not one I readily adhere to in my family nowadays. I respect what my children have to say as long as they don’t interrupt anyone or talk over anyone. But saying that, children should have manners and there should be no exception to the rule.

A child lacking in manners, is a spoiled child who grows up to be an adult who least respects their fellow citizens and thus begins the disintegration of society as a whole.

Let the teaching of manners begin!

As soon as children are able to speak and understand your commands, you should slowly start introducing the concept of manners. A mere ‘excuse-me’ after a sneeze or a burp, a ‘thank-you’ when given something are all simple manners to begin with.

My son used to always end up getting his manners mixed up for he would say thank you after every sneeze.

Respecting others by not interrupting them during conversations, talking over people and so forth are important expectations to install in your children as they take part in more social gatherings. The ‘donot interrupt mummy’ when she is talking is my constant mantra.

Proper manners at mealtimes is definitely a constant battle that parents have. Each day the same set of rules are repeated, elbows off tables, sit down on chairs, no standing, no chewing with mouth open and so forth.

It is definitely a test of one’s patience. You might offer little incentives to the one who has the best manners.

A common behavior at Sri Lankan mealtimes is how the family will eat first whilst the mother hovers around acting as the glorified servant dishing out food. Actually in some cases if a child is hungry they are encouraged to eat first disrespecting all others present.

Many mothers do this and I find it is the root to all spoiled little boys who grow up to be insensitive husbands who because of the way they were brought up have no concern for other family members during mealtimes. If I am hungry I eat, there is no waiting for anyone else is their motto.

Mealtimes are important family gatherings. The family should sit down together, if the children are eating early, this is fine, but both parents should make the effort to have a united front. These are simple manners of respect for each and should begin within the family first rather than with strangers.

It is important to teach children about privacy and the respect for parent’s privacy. Even though our children love lounging about in our room and especially in our bed. They have been taught to respect our privacy, to knock before you enter, to respect our belongings and so forth.

We should also teach our children to respect those who are different to us. To be aware of other peoples needs when out and about. Not to point or stare and definitely to respect peoples sense of space, which seems to be lacking in the Sri Lankan society.

Of course your ideas of manners can differ from mine and there are others you might want to incorporate, but we are definitely on the same agenda, we just want our children to grow up to be good and kind people, and that starts with some manners!

dailymirror.lk By Mayuri Jayasinghe

“My Partner’s Ex is Ruining Our Relationship!”

Have you ever been in a relationship (or known someone who has) where your partner has children from a previous relationship, and the ex — the children’s other parent — becomes a constant negative presence in your relationship?

Being in a relationship with the custodial parent of a broken family can present its set of challenges (whether or not you bring your own children to the relationship). When there’s an adversarial relationship between your partner and his or her ex, it’s not uncommon for the parental issues, legal issues, and emotions to spill into and impact your relationship.

Indeed, these types of frustrations and conflicts have caused relationships to break up. That being said, this result doesn’t always have to be the case.

While it would be nice to have a peaceful relationship where everybody gets along, it’s an unfortunate reality that this kind of relationship can take some mindful navigation, especially if you are living with the custodial parent (and therefore, with the children, too).

Here are some suggestions for handling a relationship where the conflict between your partner and his or her ex is spilling into your relationship:

1) Remove Yourself. Your partner’s issues with his or her ex are best left between them. If the ex sees that you are moving into a parental role with his or her children, which can include simply joining in the parenting conversations between them, the situation may turn adversarial and create strain in your relationship.

Your partner is the one who needs to navigate a relationship with the ex, but you don’t need to be involved in their process, unless it is asked and agreed that it would be beneficial to have you playing a sort of parental role (e.g. if you are committed long term, or involved as a step-parent).

2) Support Your Partner. It’s not an easy situation for your partner to have to raise children, work, and struggle emotionally and possibly legally with his or her ex, while attempting to have a healthy relationship with you at the same time . Being a positive support to your partner — listening, helping with the kids, etc. – can help your partner cope while strengthening your relationship.

3) Plan togetherness time. If your partner is overwhelmed with issues involving his or her ex, and you’re seeing your relationship sliding down the priority list, take the initiative to plan some meaningful time together — dates, dinners out, fun activities with your partner and maybe the children as well.

4) Don’t Parent the Children (if not the step-parent, or long-term domestic partner). It can be very tempting for some people to want to act as a pseudo-parent, especially if living with the children. Unless this has been agreed to all around (between you, your partner, partner’s ex, and the children), it’s generally best to refrain from playing a parental role. Otherwise, it opens the door for possible resentment from the children, a battle with the ex, and possibly even conflict with your partner.

Having your own unique relationship with the children will help establish boundaries and avoid confusion. It’s important for the children to know that you’re a safe and supportive person, but that they have their parents already in place. If the children turn to you as a parental figure, don’t be afraid to reinforce the boundaries of your role with them so the children understand.

5) Don’t Overlook Yourself. Being in a relationship with a parent has expected challenges. While it is necessary to understand that these challenges are part of the deal, it’s also still important that you’re fulfilled in your relationship. It’s good to be supportive, but you’re not signing up to be a caretaker to your partner’s frustrations with his or her ex. If you’re doing all the work, or if you’re not being fulfilled, this is an issue that needs to be addressed, even if the partner is having issues with the ex. Communicate with your partner about your relationship. Couples therapy may be helpful for this, as could separate individual therapy for each of you.

The high-conflict ex will do what they will do. You can only control how you handle your part of the relationship. While you can’t solve your partner’s issues with his or her ex, the more you understand your boundaries in the relationship, the better chance you have of successfully side-stepping any lasting impact of the high-conflict ex.

blogs.psychcentral.com By NATHAN FEILES, LMSW