First sexual intercourse is a special event for both boys and girls. We only lose our virginity once.
Sex is the most intimate physical activity we can ever share with someone. Think about it.
That’s why it’s so special. And that’s why it is important to keep our first experience of sex for someone we trust – someone who we know values and appreciates us, and who’s already promised to honour us, for all of our life. Yes, I do mean marriage!
Globally, girls and boys are having this first sexual intercourse at a younger and younger age. Many of them – girls more than boys – say they regret that they lost their virginity in an act of casual sex – the ‘one night stand’ or ‘quickie’.
Let’s get back to this particular myth.
Yes, it is true that the first act of intercourse can be painful, for both boys and girls. The younger and less informed you are, the more likely it is that you will have discomfort and even pain. And when you are in a couple relationship based purely on ‘doing it’ then being nude and experiencing close genital contact and exchange of fluids that takes place in sexual intercourse can definitely be a very ‘yucky’ experience.
Of course in comparison, the coming together as sexual partners in a committed relationship of trust and faith in each other, where each is looking to please the other in the act of lovemaking after a marriage promise, is the other extreme. It’s ‘yummy’ not ‘yucky’!
Anyway, why does first intercourse sometimes hurt? Let’s look at the girl first.
Firstly, pain and bleeding can occur when the hymen is torn. When a girl is developing in the womb of her mother, the opening of the vagina is covered by a tissue-like membrane called the hymen. As a girl approaches puberty, the hymen breaks down little by little, and allows menstrual blood to flow out of her body.
Sometimes, the girl could have a little bit of hymen tissue left in her vagina. So the first time a man’s penis enters her, it could tear this remaining hymen, causing a twinge of pain and a few drops of blood. If this does happen, don’t worry; it’s perfectly normal. If it doesn’t happen, don’t worry; that just means that our one of the fifty per cent of girls who don’t bleed with first sexual intercourse.
Secondly, pain is a result of the girl not being sufficiently relaxed and ready for sex. The word we use is sexually aroused. Hurried sex where the boy hasn’t taken the time for the kiss, cuddle and communication that turns on a girl and lets her know she is loved, will result in a girl having a tight and dry vagina – a recipe for pain during sexual intercourse and often the foundation for future sexual problems.
What about the boy?
Can first sex be painful for him? The tip of a man’s penis, called the ‘glans’, is very sensitive. It’s covered by a fold of skin called the foreskin. This foreskin is cut off in the surgical procedure of circumcision. In some uncircumcised boys, the foreskin may be tight, and get pushed back in first intercourse. If this happens, it’ll hurt, and the foreskin might tear and bleed. The best way to avoid this is for boys to gently push back their foreskin and wash the glans of their penis when they take a bath.
Will marriage fix this? Does staying a virgin until marriage guarantee a pain-free first sexual experience?
No, because, like we said above, sometimes it’s just because of our genitalia – the woman’s hymen, or the man’s foreskin. And even after marriage, we don’t always know how to love and arouse our spouse. This is why those of us who are sex educators and therapists want every couple to have premarital sex education.
So be careful how you approach our first act of sexual intercourse. Don’t throw away something special in a casual encounter.
A comment: Maybe you have already had sexual intercourse with one or more people. Maybe you regret what has happened. Maybe it was a ‘spur of the moment’ thing, or you were drunk. Whatever the situation, there are a couple of very important things that you should know:
1. If you and the person you had sex with were not using a contraceptive, you may be pregnant.
2. Even if you used a condom, it does not protect you from all sexually transmitted infections. You could get genital warts, or genital herpes or pubic lice. Get yourself checked out.
Remember “virginity” is a state of mind not a state of your genitals. Make a promise to yourself to behave wisely in your sexual practice.
(The author, Patricia Weerakoon, is a medical doctor turned Sexologist and Writer who is based in Sydney, Australia)
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