The gray area between love and sex has shrunk considerably over the years within given reason and media influence. As a highly evolved civilization we now enjoy an often confusing distinction between love, sex and all that goes on between the sheets.An increasingly sexualized media propels the campaign under the often quoted principle “sex sells”. In reality love and sex are two concepts that even though overlapping within the context of intimacy, carry much that is mutually exclusive to each other right? Wrong! Researchers the world over are toying with the idea that sex is as much an affair of the heart as love is.
The age old definition of sex as a biological process independent of the emotional groundwork laid out for love is slowly being replaced by the new understanding that sex is in fact love misspelled.
The basis for these scandalous claims originate from findings made through a study carried out by Jim Pfaus, involving extensive analysis of related studies dealing with fMRI scans of brain activity in individuals viewing erotic material. The brain activity of subjects under these conditions were recorded, the real surprise came when the circuitry involving sexual arousal was compared with the circuitry that lit up when the same people ogled at their loved ones.
The neuronal activity was the same by large! Deeper analysis of these data suggested that the biggest difference between the two visual cues and their corresponding brain activity was in the emphasis placed on either the posterior brain areas as opposed to anterior brain regions. It was found that sexual arousal originated deeper within the posterior of the brain while loved ones illuminated the more anterior regions.
The implication is thought to be that the anterior brain regions are more predominant in dealing with abstract concepts and bigger pictures probably owing to the frontal cortex which localizes higher order cognitive functions. The deeper folds of the brain on the other hand dealt with more concrete basal thought patterns i.e.: horniness.
In simple English, the results suggests that brain regions which are localized for a variety of diverse functions utilize the same circuit when processing love and sex with the slight difference of placing emphasis on either the frontal area or the rear. The said frontal cortex which specializes in complicated activities like algebra, showed more activity when dealing with love and related affairs, while the rear region known mostly as the occipital cortex lit up brighter when sex was the topic in question.
The occipital region is largely involved in processing visual stimuli making the fairly obvious connection that sexual arousal borrows a lot from related visual cues. Aside from the slight change in emphasis both emotions shared a largely similar neuronal circuit. Drawing significant evidence to suggest a rather scandalous affair between love and sex.
Aside from rebutting years of white robe preaching, these findings translates to a basic concept that both challenges and sours generations of sugar coating. Love is essentially a concrete ideal based by large on a more primal innate need for sex. The close links between sex and long standing relationships shed spotlights on the importance of sex in relationships and how neglecting the bedroom warrants a marriage between the workplace and the kitchen with little else getting in its way.
Another interesting note is the voice of advocacy which reigns strong over matters concerning sex and love, often describe romantic love as the richest of sublime human expressions and as a basis of all social units (family) while sex is seen as a vile and vulgar expression of man’s animalistic instinct.
In light of the current findings it’s easy to deduce the importance of monogamy in institutions such as marriage. Interestingly the same findings make a strong case for being faithful in romantic relationships providing the much needed fiber of strength to an otherwise shaky expression of romantic love.
Aristotelian teachings introduce the concept of intrinsic and extrinsic goals which are defined as goals that can be achieved externally from society or internally from within the individual. Sex without love is essentially an extrinsic goal; one that lacks clear structure but appeals to the basal needs of human mortality while romantic love is an intrinsic goal and satisfies more humanistic needs such as affection and companionship nevertheless based on primary carnal needs.
In conclusion love and sex aren’t as far apart as we are lead to believe considering the physical symptoms and their likeness.
“Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.” Woody Allen
I usually try to keep this blog light. And by light, I mean frivolous, pointless, full of profanity, and lots of ridiculous photos modified in MS Paint. (Don't mock, I'm using a PC and have no apps. Also? I suck at art).
But this post is extremely serious.
An issue far too close to home, literally and figuratively, has shocked and saddened me, along with most of the world aware of it. I have been losing sleep over it. So I figured I would take to the blog to vent and decompress a little.
For those of you who aren't aware of the suicide of a 15 year old girl named Amanda Todd, you can read about her heartbreaking experience and tragic early death here. You can also view the video cry for help that she posted on YouTube here, one month before she took her own life.
I am furious. Furious that no one could help her. Furious that kids are that cruel. Furious that some sick bastard lured her into trusting him and then would not cease humiliating her. And furious that all kinds of school board members and politicians are making heartfelt statements about bullying being a community issue that should be stopped... without any real plan, course of action, or tangible solution for kids experiencing this.
Solutions suggested thus far? Talk to your parents. Talk to a counsellor. Seek help.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Because that will stop the asshole kids who taunt, name call, harass, humiliate, follow, shout out, circle, threaten, assault, and terrorize victims.
Think I sound harsh? Think I am only referring to extreme cases? I am not. If you were lucky enough to escape bullying in your youth, you are one exception to this.
Why am I so very extremely furious? Because I was in her shoes 22 years ago, and I continued to wear them until after my sister was married. Yet without the proliferation and immediate humiliation of social media, which only makes things exponentially worse.
My personal hell started in grade 5 or so. I held hands with a boy two years older than me. That is when I recall the worst of the torment starting. I was called a slut, a whore, a hooker. I had groups of girls who would walk around me in a circle, yell obscene things at me, and tell me I was a worthless piece of shit.
I WAS TEN YEARS OLD.
TEN GODDAMNED YEARS OLD.
Wash, rinse, repeat. It didn't matter if I was kind, or quiet, or crying. It didn't matter if I ignored them, pretended I couldn't hear them. It didn't matter if I ignored the boys who liked me, or if I played terribly in gym class. Didn't matter if I made the volleyball team, found excuses to not go outside at lunch or if I didn't go out socially.
Back then the biggest technological advance was three-way calling, in which you could be convinced to share something personal only to find out that your crush, or your enemy, was listening on the line the entire time. But then, the worst was through word-of-mouth, and I dreaded getting on the country school bus the next day. It wasn't broadcast instantly to hundreds of others via Facebook. The thought makes me shudder.
I know, and I think that you will agree, that most kids just have a deep, deep desire to be accepted. To be "one of the group", and to feel like they have a place to belong. If kids reject you, you try to make friends with other people. You try to find your place. The place where you can be yourself without being torn to shreds and left in tears. You try to find even one friend who will let you feel like you are not alone in this world.
Amanda Todd did just that. She was trying to meet people. She chatted online with others. And being young, unaware and impressionable, when someone showed her that friendliness and acceptance, I imagine that Amanda felt a huge weight lifted off - a huge relief to finally connect with another person. She found solidarity and someone who was kind and complimentary to her.
How could she have known, at 12 years old, that the sick f*ck on the other end of the chat was a man looking to destroy her sense of self worth?
Amanda Todd trusted her new friend, and in a moment of youthful indiscretion - a moment that she could not have begun to comprehend what possible consequences would be involved - she did something risky and "big girl" and she flashed her webcam as asked.
Before you say "Amanda should have known better, she should never have done that, she didn't know who it was, or what they could do with the image", I'd like you to ask yourself the differences between your jaded, aware adult brain (aware of the evil that some people are capable of in this world) and what your mind was thinking of at the age of 12. My guess is that the two are very different, and that the 12 year old you was simply seeking the connection, acceptance and compliments of that seemingly kind person on the other end of the chat.
People keep talking about how she "made mistakes" but shouldn't have to pay for them for the rest of her life. But I take that even a step further. She was twelve years old. She likely had no idea that those few seconds in time could last the last three years of her life. Her tormented, lonely life.
Amanda Todd was having an online chat. She wasn't drinking and driving. She wasn't shoplifting. Amanda had fleeting seconds that changed things forever. If it was a normal person on the opposite end of her chat, it would have been a non-issue. It wouldn't be considered a mistake. The moment would have passed and she may have realized she didn't want to do something like that again. In the moment she was being a kid - having fun, trying to be accepted, trying to please. It is only because the twisted idiot that she was chatting with turned it into a disgusting, life changing moment for her. So was it really her mistake? She had no control over what the bastard did with her image after the fact. The blame lies with the harasser, people.
When Amanda didn't provide more graphic content to the harasser, he threatened to share the image with the world. And he did. And the police were called once her exposure was shared with her teachers and friends. And her life would never, ever be the same again.
I remember watching a movie recently where the starlet was accused of sleeping around the school. It was entirely false, but the entire school was made aware within a short period of time. I commented to my husband how horrible bullying and harassment must be today in school, with people being able to simultaneously take your photo or video, upload it online, and share it via Facebook, Twitter and email.
Remember when you tripped in the cafeteria and landed face down in your chocolate milk in grade nine? People laughed, kids pointed, you were called a dumb klutz, someone might have even kicked you when you were down. You may have endured teasing for the week, or a few weeks. But you were never immortalized at once on social media sites for the entire world to see.
And we aren't talking chocolate milk here. We are essentially talking what comes down to some sick pervert posting and circulating a version of child pornography with the world. With malicious and cruel intent.
My personal torment continued into high school. When I wouldn't sleep with my boyfriend at the time, Jay C., I was subjected to being called a "tight bitch", baby, suck, and was told I would die with a tight p**sy. His ex girlfriend Tina, her friend Tammy, his friend Curt, and himself, decided to shout this to me regularly around the door to the school cafeteria.
And this was after months of being followed by Tina and Tammy, with them waiting and staring at me outside my geography class door. I used to feel sick knowing I had no choice but to walk by them to get to my next class. They used to bark at me. Because I was a female dog, a bitch. I assume she was mad that I was dating her ex.
It became so severe and so consuming, I eventually had to drop out for a semester, even though I was on track to graduate a year early. I was being constantly followed in the halls, yelled at, threatened, being told in the same breath that I was a slut and that I was tight. That I was a bitch and that I was a goody two-shoes. It was relentless.
And this was before digital cameras, webcams, hell, even scanners. I have to thank goodness that it wasn't worse than it was, which is really saying something.
Amanda Todd STILL persevered throughout this. She changed schools, twice. It haunted her and followed her no matter where she went. It wasn't just the harasser from the webcam. It was her classmates, people who claimed to like her/be into her/be her friends. Her Mom tried to find help for her. She saw doctors. She was "referred to services".
You know what? IT DIDN'T HELP.
You know why? BECAUSE THE BULLYING DIDN'T STOP.
If you have had traumatic events in your life, you never forget them. Depending on the severity of the traumas, a person can be plagued with flashbacks, intrusive dreams or thoughts, general anxiety, fear, constant vigilance, depression and low-to-non-existent self esteem and feelings of no self worth.
But if they happen, and they stop, you can try to talk through the pain and the hurt and take medication and do your best to survive through it. I've been through some horrible, horrible things that I haven't shared on this blog, but may some day. I still cry about them to this day. And I stumble and struggle and muster through my life as an adult, still not sure how to cope with some of it.
Amanda Todd tried to cope with this from age 12 to 15.
You tell me how the hell A CHILD can make sense of something like this.
I had to stand and testify at 16 years of age. I had the support of my parents, my sister, and I sat there wanting to just die and never have to think again.
Somehow, we got through it. Somehow.
Amanda was dealing with such torment on such a massive scale, and she tried to get away from it. She moved schools, she moved out of her city, she could never get away.
Amanda Todd's suffering was inescapable, because no matter what medications, therapies, counselling or support that could have been offered to her - no matter the amount of love from her family, or those who were as close to friends as she had - the harassment never stopped.
If, for some reason, you are a teenager, or a young adult, or adult reading this who is experiencing such torment - please know that ONE DAY it will stop, even if it means changing your name completely and moving to another province, state or country. Even if it means adopting an entirely different email address, cutting off communication with people from your old life, and deleting any and all Facebook, YouTube or Twitter accounts. YOU CAN ESCAPE IT, even if it seems impossible.
But this is where I am also furious.
It's damn hard, and the effects run deep.
The elementary school where I was followed, circled, and threatened to be stabbed at the end of the school year? Yeah, they had a "zero tolerance" policy for bullying. The girl threatening to kill me, Tricia G*****s, was part of the "troubled child" part of our school. They got to play video games and go bowling because they "had issues". I got to cry myself to sleep at night and live in fear at school.
That's a really clutch policy there.
The high school where my friend was beaten and had her head slammed into ceramic tile? The one where I was shoved, barked at, humiliated and followed? Well, P.J. also had a zero tolerance policy. Even on the stand, when I testified at my friend's trial about the abuse she suffered, one of the school counsellors, Pam B., managed to quote the wrong date on the stand and essentially throw both her and our testimony into question. Nothing was ever done. The tormenting didn't stop, until those bullies left school, and then finally when I got the hell out and went to college in another city.
You can make all the committees you want, school board. You can have a compendium on bullying and vow that the community needs to step in. You can have think tanks about what services should be available to students.
IT'S ALL BULLSHIT.
Why?
Because the very thing that needs to be changed is ALLOWING THE BULLIES TO KEEP BULLYING.
I talked my face off through my experience. My mom listened to tears and worry and sadness for days on end. My dad tried to step in and tell a few to stop or else we would pursue things through police. I had counselling, I talked to doctors, I was medicated.
IT ONLY CHANGED ONCE THE BULLIES WERE REMOVED FROM MY LIFE.
So while I would be pissed off if the community didn't respond with some kind of strategy to improve things, it ultimately comes down to the fact that TALK IS CHEAP.
I wish they could start implementing mandatory reporting from classmates, surveillance on the school ground, strict expulsion for students who bully, kids who monitor for such activity in case the bullies corroborate each others' stories and claim innocence, and strict legal and criminal record penalties for verbal, emotional and physical abuse for anyone regardless if they are under 18.
But you know what? Then the bullies wait until kids like Amanda Todd are off school property and are walking home. Or until they are on the city bus, or at the mall. Or they take to the internet, where there appears to be no goddamn consequences or follow up to online harassment.
THERE NEEDS TO BE SERIOUS, LEGAL CONSEQUENCES FOR BULLIES. If this were adults tormenting each other with hurled insults, stalking and threatening emails, it would be taken slightly more seriously.
But yet the burden of proof still lies with the victim.
Our justice system is warped. Victims are being further victimized.
When I was 15 and trusted an older guy who seemed to like and accept me, I was victimized. I even went to trial. I sat on the stand and had to detail every last humiliating detail.
You know what happened?
He got 3 months of house arrest, and the local paper cut me to shreds.
It's bullshit.
I am so sorry you had to endure this hatred, this evil, Amanda Todd. I wish that you didn't take your own life, as do the GOOD people of Port Coquitlam, Coquitlam, Port Moody, Burnaby, Vancouver, and the rest of the people who have a heart and a soul in this world.
I hope that you may rest in peace finally, since there is no way for us to help you now. I wish we could get you back and help you escape it and make the bad guys pay for all they have done. I hope that something, anything, positive can come of this, since we can't get you back, but the world has noticed how insane things were allowed to get, with nothing being done.
I hope that your sad, early, unnecessary death will help others out there hang on a little longer, be able to find others experiencing the same, and be able to survive the torment.
Relationships are a fine balance of attraction and comfort, a time tested formula that helps us achieve what we must in lie with the support of who we love.
Like any finely balanced scale it only takes too little of one or too much of another to send the balances crashing. Relationships are the same requiring a continuous balance to keep the fires lit.
In popular use the little and not so little factors that amount to the downfall of a relationship are termed to be deal breakers, a good choice of words considering that most of what is grouped as a deal breaker essentially breaks the deal and douses all fires.
Promiscuity
The biggest issue that couples face specially in the case of newly hitched couples is that one partner is a little too promiscuous for the other’s liking. The reason I said one of the partners, is that most sane individuals with an affinity towards flirting wouldn’t be quite as insecure about their partner being a little flirtatious.
But bear in mind that human psyches are not designed to tolerate promiscuity in relationships. The age old evolutionary insight offered to us by our hard wiring is that competition is a sure fire way to be denied of producing our offspring.
Promiscuity is frowned upon in relationships and even in initial dating phases with women complaining about men who can’t keep their eyes in one place, and men using much more derogatory words to describe women to can’t keep their eyes the same way. Bottom Priority
Having exclusive priority in a social setting is a fairly difficult task that is a little too demanding for any of us, but many individuals expect that their partners will direct the larger part of their attention towards them when they are out in public as a couple.
Not to say that either partner should feel inhibited within a relationship, but no one wants to be sitting alone at a romantic dinner for two while their partner chats up old friends and colleagues. The same applies to overuse of phones and other digital media during a date
Liar Liar
Lying is one of the most feared and warned against traits when choosing a potential lover, not only is lying fundamentally wrong it also creates and leaves a lot of havoc in its wake.
Compulsive lying is an unattractive attribute even in the case of individuals who exaggerate to add effect; no one wants to hear a story knowing they’re not getting the truth.
Poor Grooming
Cleanliness and hygiene are mandates in a relationship that is intimate in nature. Some individuals may expect higher levels of hygiene when pitted against others, but the underlying rationale is the same, proper hygiene habits are compulsory.
It really will pay off to make an extra effort in the hygiene department when your partner is present.
Condescension
Even though certain aspects of seducing a woman requires that you play a game of push and pull, no woman nor man wants to be in a relationship with a partner who criticizes and condescends on them.
Leave the criticism for when you engage in mind games, don’t ever make it personal nor make a habit of it. A supportive partner is the least that anyone could ask for being as it is that none of us are perfect and no one likes a narcissist.
Abuse
Not just physical violence but emotional and verbal abuse are both included in this list. Fighting is an essential part of building comfort in a relationship, and most all relationships have some fight or another.
Knowing when to draw the all so important line between abuse and an everyday quarrel is up to you. It’s also noteworthy that thresholds vary from individual to individual and culture to culture.
The Perera couple were verily on tenterhooks for the past few days as their son living abroad had announced his arrival home with his fiancée. Though it looked odd for a girl to visit her future partner’s home prior to a visit by her parents, all those customs were already sunk in the new expatriate culture and the huge material wealth it entailed.
‘She appears to be some girl’ Prema told her husband with a little sarcasm too in her tone. ‘How dare she propose such a visit to Raja?"
‘Girls are like that now-a-days. We should not be upset by such behaviour.’ Kumara, rejoined trying to assuage his wife’s discomfiture.
‘How ridiculous I’ Prema exclaimed heedless of Kumara’s pacifying words. ‘In olden days it was the man’s side who go to visit the girl’s house to see if they are suitable. See how it is now.’
Kumara let sometime pass and rejoined with equanimity: ‘Times have changed, no. The world is different now from what you and I used to know.. so let her come and see for herself.. we are by no means second to them.. no.’
Prema fell into some reverie and then changed her mood from depreviation to reconciliation. ‘She must be this forceful because of the big salary she is getting. One lakh no..’ and also added after a little pause: ‘The pantry and the floor-tiling has to be done quickly. Any ordinary house has them now.’
The neuronal activity was the same by large! Deeper analysis of these data suggested that the biggest difference between the two visual cues and their corresponding brain activity was in the emphasis placed on either the posterior brain areas as opposed to anterior brain regions. It was found that sexual arousal originated deeper within the posterior of the brain while loved ones illuminated the more anterior regions.
